Duke Nukems Glorious Adventure
by Gabe Fard
Summary: The story of Duke Nukem and his many adventures. A work in progress.
1. Chapter 1

Dok Nokam was standing on a bar in downtown Los Angelies, drinking his favorite cigar and smoking his favorite beer. Suddenly, alians from outside of space entered the bar.  
"Where is the one you call Duk Nukim," said the alin, "we wish to speak with him."  
Dek Noukam kicked over his barstool and said, "Here I am, come over here and get some of me."  
"We do not want to fight you," the alean ejaculated, "only to talk."  
Duke Nukim dodged the aliean seamen and pulled out his shotgun, shouting "I'm not gonna fight you, I'm gonna kick your ass."  
Dak Nakam fired at the elian and the ilian was ded. He then tossed what was left of his smoking beer at the corpse to make it smell better and gave his cigar to the bartender to drink because he did not have any money left after undertipping a hooker. Dok Nokem walked outside to see alans everywhere killing people.  
"Fuck alieans, I hate aleans, I want to go home," Duk said. So Duk went home and masterdebated about healthcare with president Obama over the phone. Once Duke had finished and cleaned up, he said, "My name is Douk Noukem, and I don't pay for phone sex." Breaking the phone in two with his thirteen inch dick, Duke narrowly avoided the 60$ charge for his masterdebating session.  
"Damn, I'm good," Douk said.  
Duak's window shattered as an alien laser struck a neighboring building. Now an angry motherfucker, Duk went outside to see who he needed to hurt. Dak Nokim saw aelins killing people and people being killed by ealans and was mad. He realized he had no pants on and his 14 inch dick was touching the sidewalk. "Dok, go put your boot in the ilians ass," his dick said.  
Duk lafed, "You're the smartest talking 15 inch dick I ever known."  
However, Dec was in for troble as the various womens and mens running from the ilins were distracted by his 18 inch penis. They crowded around him asking his dick for autographs.  
"Fuck off." the dick said as it broke one man's arm.

Now that Duke's penis had frightened the fans away, he used it like a pogo stick and jumped to New Orleans where the aleians had made hurricanes attack the city. While he was there he spotted a black man named Kanyo.  
"Yo wassup nigga George Bush don' care about black people," Kanyo said.  
Duke put his dick in the confused man's ear and it whispered, "Obama's the president now. And he's black."

And that is the story of how New Orleans discovered that Barack Obama had won the presidential race. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Wizard Of Jazz

And now the ejaculating sequel: Douk Numak adn the Wizard of Jazz

Doak Newkm was sitting back on his favorite bar in down town Las Vegas. After deading the alens that had come to tornado Earth to smitheroons, Duck was enjoying a rest and a three course prostitute. Then out of everywhere, a stray earthquake that had not been captured by the FBI hit the bar into the sky.  
"What the fuck my prostitute is gone, where is my dick." to which his dick replyed, "here I am"  
Dewk was about to respond when the barl collided with a rainbow from out of space.  
"Damn you elians", douk said as he fell from the bar.

When Doke wok up he found he was standing on a protitute. Before he could comment on this misnomer another protitute appeared.  
"doeuk if you want to get back to your bar and your five course prostitute you need to find the Wizard of Jazz."  
Duk slapped the prostitute with his face because his dick had already told him that.  
before he could set off to find the Wizard of Jizz midgets of all shapes and sizes came out of the sky. Doke laughed at their disability because his only disability was a 19 inch penis.  
"Your disabilies are a grounds for ass kicking" he said as he picked up the road "no doek we do not want to-", a midget began, but bfore he could finish his face became made of bricks and mortars.

As Deok begun down the now non existant road, a saw a talking scarecrow.  
"please let me down I want to have brain." Diek pondered this for a brief moment before stating "We have a name for you where I come from" and then he ripped off the scarecrows head and releived himself in the deceised scarecrows neck cavity becuase he was a communist.  
Doek asked his dick if this was the right course of action.  
"make love not war, bro"  
"but you broke a mans arm"  
"oh right"

As they continuted they met a robot and a homosexual lion. neither of which douk talked to because the robot was an alein and the lion was a faggot.  
At last Dou arrived at the castle of the King of Shiraz.  
"it is time to kick some ass and get back my two course prostitute"  
"I concur", replyed his dick, "let us begin"  
deuks dick punched down the drawbrige to the Kings castle. At which point the king let out a mightly roar "you have not followed the plot line at all why didn't you stick to the script"  
"because i'm duke newcum," deuk replyed, "and I don't like your shitty film"  
then duek fired his dick through the wizards face, which exploded in a shower of money the word "awesome" exploded out of the wizrds pants and his castle turned into a hooker "I can see through your lies wizard" said douk, and he nosed the wizard in the bellybutton because that was his weakness and then it was over

deouk arived in london right on time to win the race around the world. he was knighted by the quen of engliand for his efforts against the King of Jazz, and received $200,000 in assests.

none of which were donated to charity.

And that is how duek newcim was able to afford his beer and hookers for the rest of the week. 


End file.
